As I have said before, having a mental health coach is essential when dealing with any recurring, life-long illness. For me, I find that psychologists are better than counsellors. The counsellors I have had tried to get me to think "happy thoughts" and just pretend that none of this is really happening. Funnily enough, I have read quite a few cancer blogs that say the same thing: "distract", "avoid", "hide-from" all those thoughts and feelings. Because denial is good for you, right?
Well, I have learnt a new trick that (so-far) is making my life different. I am learning how to face my tumour demons head-on.
Meeting the tumour demons and the scanziety monster head on.
This was scary at first. I was used to the idea of trying to block all thoughts about scans and tumours. It didn't work (trying to block them, that is) but it was what I had been told I should be doing. Now I was being told to deliberately conjure up thoughts about the tumours and upcoming scans. My psychologist wanted me to focus on those thoughts and feel the emotions associated with them. This was terrifying. What if I got so deep into the feelings that I couldn't get back out? It was hard enough trying to avoid them, but entertaining my thoughts seemed like a mad act. Finally, I realised I had nothing to lose.Under instruction, I described what part of my body the fear originated from. At first it felt that my whole body was consumed by it, but when I focused I could feel the fear emanating from my stomach. I then looked at the colours of this fear. Ugly, garish colours. Swirls of angry reds and dirty browns swallowing up any beauty or happiness that came near them. Finally, I thought about what I was thinking and feeling.
I started my descriptions with, "I notice that I am thinking about...." or "My mind is telling me....". As I described the fears and emotions that were taking over my life I realised an interesting thing. I noticed that the intensity with which I had been experiencing the emotions associated with these thoughts was a little easier to deal with. As I talked about my mind telling me that having scans is like a flipped coin, I realised that I had stepped back a bit. I still felt the feelings; they were still there. But they no longer had control over me. It was like stepping sideways.
Since that meeting a week ago, I have paid attention when I start obsessing over my upcoming scans. When I remember, I stop and tell myself what I am thinking. I purposefully say, "My mind is telling me that I am afraid..." or what ever emotion is threatening to overwhelm me. Each time, I have managed to step back a little. The fear and the worry is still there, but I am able to step back enough that it no longer consumes me. The crazy lady is no longer taking out her fears on other people. Still two days to go before my scan and I am watching how I react like a scientist testing a new hypothesis. This is intriguing me. Could I really make my life a little bit easier by asking myself simple questions? I will be watching carefully to see if I can get through the whole gamut of scans and appointments while keeping this level of ease. I will check back and let you know.
How do you deal with scanziety? Does it work? If you have tried this method, did it work for you?
For more information on this kind of therapy, check out this link:
